Sunday, May 24, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
#111 It's Not OK to Feel This Way
I have always imagined that other people can see into my head and know what I am thinking, and more important, what I am feeling. I guess I figured out when I was a little kid, that my mother knew when I was mad and that I would be punished for it. Eventually I came to believe that others knew when I was having inappropriate feelings and I had better find some way to make the feelings go away.
Thus was born the one who beats up on me.
She began by calling me "stupid, stuPID, STUPID!" Later, other name-calling and lecturing, and finally, physical abuse!
Now someone tells me, after all these years, that I can feel whatever I feel. "It's everyone's right to feel however they feel about anything," seems to miss the point of all this. It isn't about what normal people are allowed to do. Normal people don't have feelings like I do, by definition, if I feel it... it is bad!
When I am angry or jealous or afraid or sad, I think I am being childish. The child-in-me is misbehaving and must be stopped. She must be stopped before anyone finds out. I will use whatever I can think up: reasoning, name-calling, shaming, burning, cutting. Whatever!
Thus was born the one who beats up on me.
She began by calling me "stupid, stuPID, STUPID!" Later, other name-calling and lecturing, and finally, physical abuse!
Now someone tells me, after all these years, that I can feel whatever I feel. "It's everyone's right to feel however they feel about anything," seems to miss the point of all this. It isn't about what normal people are allowed to do. Normal people don't have feelings like I do, by definition, if I feel it... it is bad!
When I am angry or jealous or afraid or sad, I think I am being childish. The child-in-me is misbehaving and must be stopped. She must be stopped before anyone finds out. I will use whatever I can think up: reasoning, name-calling, shaming, burning, cutting. Whatever!
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