I show up at at social events, classroom situations, ceremonies every time that I am expected. I am there, but not there. I am harmless. I am no threat.
I don't join-in much although I am good at cleaning up afterwards. I tell funny stories, contribute money, I don't make waves.
I show up every time because I don't want to be conspicuous by my absence; the whole idea is that I remain inconspicuous; invisible even.
I show up every time because if I don't I will be truly disappeared. I will be wiped from their consciousness. I will have never existed again,
Invisibility is my default mode because my mother indoctrinated me very early in my childhhood that: I am not as good as everyone else!
I am ashamed of this truth so I try to make it so that no one gets to know me very well so they won't find out.
In trying not-to-be-seen as not-as-good-as-them, I have settled for
not-being-seen-at-all.
(Invisible by default - as a way to hide in plain sight so as not to be humiliated for being not good enough).
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
#136 A New Way?
It has always been difficult for me to recognize and describe my feelings. Now I am getting better at it.
I have spent much of my life on automatic pilot, operating by remote control from somewhere up on the ceiling. Now I am doing less of this.
This mode-of-being has served me well as a survival mechanism. Now I am visiting my body more.
Up until now, the main point of contact for me and my body, has revolved around physical pain; accidental, pathological or self-inflicted pain.
If I am returning to my consciousness, I must be returning to my body; and if I am returning to my body, am I returning to consciousness???
Unfortunately, I am re-experiencing the pain and panic of my past.
As a child, my natural defense was to stiffen against the pain inflicted on my body by others. Now I don't know how to defend against the pain I am re-discovering.
I have spent much of my life on automatic pilot, operating by remote control from somewhere up on the ceiling. Now I am doing less of this.
This mode-of-being has served me well as a survival mechanism. Now I am visiting my body more.
Up until now, the main point of contact for me and my body, has revolved around physical pain; accidental, pathological or self-inflicted pain.
If I am returning to my consciousness, I must be returning to my body; and if I am returning to my body, am I returning to consciousness???
Unfortunately, I am re-experiencing the pain and panic of my past.
As a child, my natural defense was to stiffen against the pain inflicted on my body by others. Now I don't know how to defend against the pain I am re-discovering.
Monday, June 27, 2011
#135 BOOM!!!
Everything is overwhelming me.
I am too scared and too frustrated and too angry
and too confused to think straight.
My head may explode.
Soon there will be a spark that sends me over the edge.
To other people the trigger will seem trivial
but it will send me into panic or rage.
But if I hurt myself, I will feel calm once more.
Self-injury is the quickest way to regain control.
I am too scared and too frustrated and too angry
and too confused to think straight.
My head may explode.
Soon there will be a spark that sends me over the edge.
To other people the trigger will seem trivial
but it will send me into panic or rage.
But if I hurt myself, I will feel calm once more.
Self-injury is the quickest way to regain control.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
