When I was a kid, my defence against overwhelming fear and helplessness was disocciation: "I can leave my body. This is amazing. Up here, I am not so scared."
But now that I'm a so-called adult, I often find myself in the midst of a firestorm of fear, rage, despair and hopelessness. The old weapon of disocciation is inadequate. But it does put me ten feet above the battlefield. It is not an escape from the firestorm but it makes it possible for me to bring in the big gun. We each have our own personal weapon of self-destruction that will send the demons back into the closet (for a while). My weapon of choice is self injury.
When I feel like I am about to explode or jump off a bridge, I leave my body to make it possible for me to burn or cut myself. To do violence to your body or your life is a terrible way to manage pain. Only a truly crazy person thinks this is a good solution, but it is a quick one.
Monday, November 22, 2010
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