Throughout my life, I have looked for ways to "torture" myself. Not just self injury; but feeling hate and shame about my body, calling myself stupid at every turn and regularly putting myself in embarrassing and humiliating situations. And obsessively worrying without relief until I find myself in a panic and occassionally a firestorm which can only be stopped by self injury. A vicious circle of fear and pain.
I think it is because when I get to the edge of....I am not going to survive...it triggers "the fantasy."
The fantasy that someone out there knows how much I am suffering and knows that I do not deserve this pain and they are getting ready to come and save me.
Maybe today, maybe in just 5 minutes (if I can hold out for just 5 minutes more) that someone will arrive to take away the terror and stop the pain. I go into my head and pretend that 'help-is-on-the-way'. Just one minute before I reach my limit (just a second before I die) someone will come. I won't be alone anymore. The pain will be stopped.
This is why I torture myself.
Friday, January 27, 2012
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