#6 Who Me?

Some days I get the

sneaking suspicion

that I may be the one

who is mad.

But at whom?

and about what?

and for how long?

#5 You, too, could be my Mother

Having had a fear filled relationship with my mother, my priority in life has been to avoid getting anyone angry at me.

Mentally racing ahead to find where the traps might be, makes it difficult for me to relate to the "real" person in front of me. Weighing every word to be sure it won't offend leaves me speechless. Agreeing with the disagreeable hurts my stomach. Letting people push me into doing things I don't want to do makes me resentful.

I imagine that the other person's body language, words, looks, or silence proves that they are already mad at me. So I shut down, withdraw to a safe distance and beat up on myself for whatever I did to make them angry.

Some time later, I realize that I had made that person into my mother and not in a good way.

#4 Faulty Operating System

Long before Microsoft developed Vista, I was saddled with a faulty Operating System. That is what Borderline Personality Disorder is; it is a way of operating in the world that works sometimes (under ideal conditions) but pushes you to the edge of insanity at other times (when you are least able to handle it!)
I didn't create it! I didn't buy it! It was handed to me when I was too young to know how to send it back!
I see people on TV who are justifiably enraged at finding that their savings and pensions have been stolen by some faceless corporation. How can I accept that my life has been stolen from me - not financially - but really, really stolen from me by a faulty operating system.
It deprived me of friendship, family, intimacy, peace, calmness, self-confidence, sexuality, trust, love - in other words - a LIFE!

#3 Feelings, What Feelings?

The feelings inside me stopped having names attached to them because my mother didn't want to hear about them. She found my fears, my anger, and my sadness absolutely infuriating, so my feelings stopped being "feelings."
Only the gut-wrenching, heart-pounding, head-exploding sensations remained. Eventually, I felt less "crazy" if I attached these to whatever was happening around me - the people, the places, the events of my life! So now "it" is all happening "out there." Whatever "it" is...
I think that I am starting to realize that all this stuff is not coming from outside me. It is actually coming from inside me. It's the feelings that my mother said I must never have - or else!

#2 Management 101

It was nearly 20 years ago but I still remember how angry I was. A psychiatrist at the hospital where I was recovering from a self-injury, told me that there was no hope for me. "Your life will consist of a series of crises and the best you can hope for is to learn to manage them one at a time."
Who the hell was he to pronounce me incurable and condemn me to living through endless firestorms until I found myself in one that I couldn't escape.
I was devastated. I left the hospital in despair.
Much, much later, I wondered if there was a sliver of a choice somewhere in this haystack? Were there actually, management methods that I wasn't aware of? Did I have to die of this?
By then I had a therapist who didn't think I was doomed and who was helping me to do more than just survive.
I have gradually found ways to contain, shorten and recover from the crazy times.
I don't know why the all-knowing shrink delivered his prognosis with all the delicacy of a sledge hammer. I am still angry about that.

First Steps

Three wise women (you know who you are) have encouraged me to share my experiences of living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Self Injury. I have always taken pen to paper when I feel that I am about to shatter into a million pieces. It is safer than a lot of things I would like to do and, when I read it later, I learn the most amazing things about myself and my screwed-up operating system.
Maybe, what I write here will help others understand what it is like going around the bend on a roller coaster.
So I will send my musings out into cyberspace where I hope they will be helpful to someone, somewhere, sometime.
Rylee