#88 Stop the Labelling

Many years ago, a respected and powerful

psychiatrist discharged

(and dismissed) me from his hospital

by telling me that I was

(and presumably always would be)

"therapy resistant!"

It depressed, terrified and paralyzed me

for long time.

Fortunately, a few years later,

I connected with a more respectful

and skilled psychologist

who had the patience

to wait with me

until I was strong enough

to move forward.

#87 worrying about tomorrow

i
should put off
worrying
about tomorrow
until tomorrow
but
what would i do
today

if
i put off
worrying
about tomorrow
until tomorrow
my worries
would get
stacked too high
to get through
in one day

if
the stack gets
too high
it might
fall
and crush me
and i would
die

if
the stack gets
too high
i wouldn't have
time to eat or sleep

if
the stack gets
too high
the things
i'm worried about
won't be prevented
by my worrying
about them

so
i don't think
i should put off
worrying
about tomorrow
until tomorrow

after all

#86 Dear Abby

02 Feb 19??

Dear Abby,
Today I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I went to the library to read up on this psychiatric condition and I was very disturbed by what I learned. Apparently, people make money writing books about how to survive living with a Borderline.
Is it inevitable that everyone who gets to know me will eventually despise me?
signed
'worried in Border Country'

Dear 'Worried'
Yes, it is true, no one likes Borderline Personalities. Your only hope is to learn to keep a good distance between yourself and others. If you keep well away, you will be mostly invisible; but the closer you get to people, the more likely it is that they will find you insufferable.

Of course, you are already aware that your reactions to life are all out of proportion...
-your overly sensitive personality will confuse others;
-your need for control over the smallest details will annoy everyone;
-your difficulties with the simplest tasks will upset others;
-the choices you make to manage stress will confound everybody.

In other words, you will drive people crazy if you let them get close to you.
The best advice I can give is that you keep your distance from everyone. You cannot trust anyone to understand and empathize so you must never connect to anyone. Make every effort to remain alone with your illness and people will probably not hate you.

#85 Dissociation vs Anxiety

All I know of my life is alternating dissociation and anxiety.

If I was not dissociated, I was anxious;

if I was not anxious, I was dissociated.

I could always switch from one to the other as needed.

Not so much these days.

I can't or won't operate the switch and I am stuck,

very uncomfortably, in a constant state of fearfulness.

Nearly every sight, sound, or thought makes me afraid.

I definitely do not want to waste any more of my life

disconnected from myself and others

but living with rising panic has become daily nightmare.

#84 Not Fair!

My life was mislaid,
and my feelings were put on hold.
As my world got smaller and smaller,
my existence became irrelevant.

Decades went past,
scarcely noticed, barely remembered.

I met someone who could help me.
But my ability to trust
had been one
of the first things stolen.
Two steps forward, three steps back.

Panic. Pain. Terrifying black holes,
repair work needed.
Three steps forward, two steps back.

Rage. Pain. Hard work.
Connections made.
The little one begins to trust again.
She adds her voice to mine.
Three steps forward, one step back.

Now we are getting somewhere.
Much is learned. Much is understood.
I feel my life is expanding.

The missing ingredient now?
Time. “Time heals all wounds” my mother said.
But the White Rabbit said,
"Oh Dear! Oh Dear!
It is very, very late!"

It is indeed very, very late!
And I am so scared
that I have used up all of my allotted time.
I have just gotten into the game
and the clock is about to run out!

Not Fair! goddamn it, it’s just not fair.