#110 Hurtling off a Cliff

Once more
I find myself hurtling off a cliff.
Even though
it is familiar territory
it is terrifying.
Even though
I know I am projecting myself
into a future rife with catastrophes
that may never even happen.
I cannot help myself.
I am already there
I know for certain
that I will not survive.

but
I am here also,
in the present,
and nothing bad has happened...
yet
I want to believe that
something will intervene
but I cannot.
I hope that
someone will be there to help me
but I do not.
I try to remember that
I have been here before
and lived,
but it is no use.

I know
exactly how it will play out
and
I am scared one minute
and angry the next.
It isn't fair.
I cannot go through this again.

But
once again,
the panic swallows me up
and hurtles me off the cliff...

There is
no landing in sight.

#109 A Prayer for Today

O God,
right now I am feeling anxious and afraid.
These challenges are too daunting.
I don't know quite what to do next.
I ask for the help to calm down,
to do my best,
with you beside me and within me.

Keep me in the hollow of your hand.
When I am tossed to and fro
with the winds of adversity,
and the blasts of sickness and misunderstanding;
still my racing heart,
quiet my troubled mind.

Almighty God,
you know our needs before we ask
and our ignorance in asking;
have compassion on our weakness,
and give us those things
which, for our unworthiness,
we dare not,
and for our blindness,
we cannot ask.

this day and always,
Amen.

#108 Belted

#107 Molten Rage

#106 Unable to Speak

Sometime, early on, I became afraid to speak my feelings. I don't know when it started but I found that it was the safest way to survive in that household. I kept silent while another member of the family screamed, night after night. They refused to hear her, so I could not understand what she was trying to accomplish. She wanted her feelings heard, I guess, but she was wasting her breath.

I locked mine inside my head where they kept only me awake, night after night. Sometimes they grew terrifyingly shrill and flooded my whole body. I still couldn’t speak them but I acted them out. Waiting until I was alone, I would create pain...pain that would instantly drain away the terror...bringing peace to my mind and body.

Seeing the bruises, burns and cuts reassured me that I made the right decision and I was safe for the time being.