Sometime, early on, I became afraid to speak my feelings. I don't know when it started but I found that it was the safest way to survive in that household. I kept silent while another member of the family screamed, night after night. They refused to hear her, so I could not understand what she was trying to accomplish. She wanted her feelings heard, I guess, but she was wasting her breath.
I locked mine inside my head where they kept only me awake, night after night. Sometimes they grew terrifyingly shrill and flooded my whole body. I still couldn’t speak them but I acted them out. Waiting until I was alone, I would create pain...pain that would instantly drain away the terror...bringing peace to my mind and body.
Seeing the bruises, burns and cuts reassured me that I made the right decision and I was safe for the time being.
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