#115 What Should I Do?

when
my frustration
is as high
as it is today,
I want to
cry, scream,
throw something,
tell someone off,
hit something,
hurt someone,
commit mayhem,
commit myself.

#114 Self-Injury

'self-injure' , also called self harm, self-mutilation, is defined as any intentional injury to one's own body.

People assume that I injure myself to get their attention. Who would be that crazy? By the time I have hurt myself, I no longer care what people think. Thankfully they are no longer on my radar. If I have gone to the edge of the world and come back alive, only because I have cut or burned myself, then it doesn't matter how crazy people think I am.
I am alive!
I have survived a firestorm once again!

I can't say when I first discovered that physical pain douses the fire in my brain and makes me feel calm and safe again, but I suspect that I was a pretty small child.
Because there is no logic to it and most adults are afraid to cut or burn themselves, few understand that it actually takes away the panic. Immediately after I get the rush of physical pain, I am filled with a peace and calmness that has been absent for days or weeks. I am aware of the pain but, nonetheless, the relief is amazing. I am happy to feel in control of something again
Those who judge me crazy cannot appreciate the fact that, for some of us, self-injury can be a matter of survival.
A few hours or days into recovery I am flooded with shame.
I am embarrassed to be alive.

#113 Diss-O-ciation

'diss-O-ssociate' means to become separate from, detached or disconnected. In this case, I am talking about a 'going away from myself''. Trying to describe it is like trying to describe a vacuum...emptiness.
At the point where my emotions have taken over my existence, I must leave. My safe place is dissociation. I drift away until I am out of sight and sound of my own anxiety and anger. Out there in space, I find peace, for hours or days on end.
The problem begins when some part of me wants or needs to come back but I cannot make it happen.
"I must get back, people are getting mad at my absence; think, how did I get here; surely I can get back the same way, if only I could remember how I got here." I blink my eyes to get them focused; I concentrate on understanding what people are saying.
It isn't working! I'm scared."
I leave myself again!