'self-injure' , also called self harm, self-mutilation, is defined as any intentional injury to one's own body.
People assume that I injure myself to get their attention. Who would be that crazy? By the time I have hurt myself, I no longer care what people think. Thankfully they are no longer on my radar. If I have gone to the edge of the world and come back alive, only because I have cut or burned myself, then it doesn't matter how crazy people think I am.
I am alive!
I have survived a firestorm once again!
I can't say when I first discovered that physical pain douses the fire in my brain and makes me feel calm and safe again, but I suspect that I was a pretty small child.
Because there is no logic to it and most adults are afraid to cut or burn themselves, few understand that it actually takes away the panic. Immediately after I get the rush of physical pain, I am filled with a peace and calmness that has been absent for days or weeks. I am aware of the pain but, nonetheless, the relief is amazing. I am happy to feel in control of something again
Those who judge me crazy cannot appreciate the fact that, for some of us, self-injury can be a matter of survival.
A few hours or days into recovery I am flooded with shame.
I am embarrassed to be alive.
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