I show up at at social events, classroom situations, ceremonies every time that I am expected. I am there, but not there. I am harmless. I am no threat.
I don't join-in much although I am good at cleaning up afterwards. I tell funny stories, contribute money, I don't make waves.
I show up every time because I don't want to be conspicuous by my absence; the whole idea is that I remain inconspicuous; invisible even.
I show up every time because if I don't I will be truly disappeared. I will be wiped from their consciousness. I will have never existed again,
Invisibility is my default mode because my mother indoctrinated me very early in my childhhood that: I am not as good as everyone else!
I am ashamed of this truth so I try to make it so that no one gets to know me very well so they won't find out.
In trying not-to-be-seen as not-as-good-as-them, I have settled for
not-being-seen-at-all.
(Invisible by default - as a way to hide in plain sight so as not to be humiliated for being not good enough).
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