#110 Hurtling off a Cliff

Once more
I find myself hurtling off a cliff.
Even though
it is familiar territory
it is terrifying.
Even though
I know I am projecting myself
into a future rife with catastrophes
that may never even happen.
I cannot help myself.
I am already there
I know for certain
that I will not survive.

but
I am here also,
in the present,
and nothing bad has happened...
yet
I want to believe that
something will intervene
but I cannot.
I hope that
someone will be there to help me
but I do not.
I try to remember that
I have been here before
and lived,
but it is no use.

I know
exactly how it will play out
and
I am scared one minute
and angry the next.
It isn't fair.
I cannot go through this again.

But
once again,
the panic swallows me up
and hurtles me off the cliff...

There is
no landing in sight.

#109 A Prayer for Today

O God,
right now I am feeling anxious and afraid.
These challenges are too daunting.
I don't know quite what to do next.
I ask for the help to calm down,
to do my best,
with you beside me and within me.

Keep me in the hollow of your hand.
When I am tossed to and fro
with the winds of adversity,
and the blasts of sickness and misunderstanding;
still my racing heart,
quiet my troubled mind.

Almighty God,
you know our needs before we ask
and our ignorance in asking;
have compassion on our weakness,
and give us those things
which, for our unworthiness,
we dare not,
and for our blindness,
we cannot ask.

this day and always,
Amen.

#108 Belted

#107 Molten Rage

#106 Unable to Speak

Sometime, early on, I became afraid to speak my feelings. I don't know when it started but I found that it was the safest way to survive in that household. I kept silent while another member of the family screamed, night after night. They refused to hear her, so I could not understand what she was trying to accomplish. She wanted her feelings heard, I guess, but she was wasting her breath.

I locked mine inside my head where they kept only me awake, night after night. Sometimes they grew terrifyingly shrill and flooded my whole body. I still couldn’t speak them but I acted them out. Waiting until I was alone, I would create pain...pain that would instantly drain away the terror...bringing peace to my mind and body.

Seeing the bruises, burns and cuts reassured me that I made the right decision and I was safe for the time being.

#105 My First Big Mistake

You know how farm kids are discouraged from naming the animals so they won't grow attached to them...
and you know how we don't give names to our bad feelings in hope that they will just go away without disrupting our lives...
and you know how it is better not to name our mistakes...

Well, I was that mistake.

My parents had two daughters and then a son; the next year a stillborn son; and then another pregnancy...a replacement for the lost boy.

With months to go, I was named, Wayne Frank.
When the big day arrived, what should appear. Me! A Girl! I was a GIRL!
It was not what they ordered. It was not what they wanted. It was a colossal mistake.

Frequently, throughout my childhood, I would be reminded of this really, really serious error that I made on my very first day of life.
I was NOT-A-BOY.

So I was nameless for 10 days; no likelihood of attachment there; maybe it will just fade away if we ignore it; maybe if we don't name this mistake, it isn't ours.
One day my father met a little girl and asked her name. The borrowed name became mine...Rylee, the mistake.

#104 Here We Go Again!

I know it is typical for us Borderlines to feel rage when our therapist announces she is taking some time off. I am feeling it more this time than usual I guess because I am FEELING it instead of suppressing it.
But I am also feeling the HURT.
Why trust someone??? She says that I am special but she still leaves me!!!
I was special to some people once-upon-a-time...

My Dad got sick when I was 3 and he left me;
my mother got scared and she left me too;
my big sister got married and she left as well;
my big brother went soldeiring and he died.

I wasn't "special" to anyone anymore.and I forgot how to trust!
But I didn't forget how to HURT!

I am oh so angry.
I want the inside pain to hurt on the outside.
The little me could handle outside pain but not the pain of being left again!!!

#103 ...and then there were two

#102 Self Diagnosis

"I Hate You - don't leave me!" The book screams at me from the shelf. I know exactly what that means but the subtitle confuses me, "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder." I run home and devour it's contents in a few hours. This book is all about me! How can that be? I don't know what B.P.D. is and I've never heard of a personality disorder.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental illness that causes intense mood swings, impulsive behaviours and severe problems with relationships and self-worth.

I shove the book across the desk of my family physician and stammer..."this is about me!" Barely looking at it, "of course it is," she snaps. I stop breathing. Which psychiatrist or which hospitalization produced this diagnosis is not to be revealed. Apparently, there is no requirement to share this kind of information with a patient. What good would it do? There is no cure.

For people with this personality disorder long-term relationships are usually impossible and marriage is rare. Relationships with helping agencies also tend to be fraught with problems, making treatment by psychotherapy or drugs difficult.

The more I read about BPD the more humiliated I am. All of it is true but it embarrasses me to see it in print. It feels like everyone knows now, although I have not disclosed my discovery to anyone. My roller coaster life starts to show a pattern. As long as I can remember, valleys of depression have alternated with mountains of panic. When the trolley is about to fly off the track I resort to burning or cutting myself to maintain some feeling of control.

People with BPD exhibit a frantic fear of abandonment that may lead to problems with anger, injuring themselves or suicide attempts.

I am in shock for a long time until I realize that naming the bogeyman gives me power. Since it has a name then there are others like me out there.

I get a new doctor and a new therapist.
I am not alone anymore.

#101 Countdown Living

It is strange to think how much of my life I have spent in countdown mode.

Right now, I am worried about an upcoming event and this morning, as soon as I was awake, I heard myself think...in 72 hours it will be all over.

Being a chronic worrier, there is generally something up ahead that I think might turn out bad.
And so starts the countdown...two weeks, one week, six days, five days, four days, three days, day-after-tomorrow it will be over; in 24 hours I can forget about it (for now).

Forever counting down my life; trying to get to the other side of the bad stuff.
Even I can see that this is not living. It isn't even living in the future.
It's living in fear.

#100 The Division Occurs

#99 How Do I Feel?

Am I comfortable?
Too hot? Too cold?
Hungry? Tired?
Sad? Happy?,

I wrack my brain. What do they want to hear? What is the right answer? I scarcely inhabit my body so I know that I cannot find the answer there.

Are they too hot, hungry and sad? I'll agree with them.
Are they too cold, tired, but happy? I'll be that too.

In the face of these kinds of questions, I need to come up with a response quickly before the panic of unknowing begins to show. The stunned silence, the furrowed brow, the stammering does not make a good impression. "I actually don't know what I feel," is not believable to most people.

It is only in the extremes that I become aware and then I am no good at naming the feelings. Scared, panic stricken, terrified. My body can only identify fear feelings. Everything else I have to guess at or, like a chameleon, try to blend in with those around me.

#98 hanging in there

they tell me that
old age is not for sissies
i'm here to tell you that
neither is mental illness

an uphill struggle
carrying the weight of the world
battling demons
shaking off crisis after crisis
putting the pieces back together
one more time

and going on

i know now that
i will never give up the fight
too much hard work
too many tears shed
too much brutal pain
too many times
dragging myself in off the ledge
to let it all be for nothing

so if it takes guts
to grow old
i think i have what it takes

#97 Marblehenge, A Safe Place

#96 The Burning Place