A decision that I made when I was 12 years old, set the pattern for my life. I had just experienced another all nighter of screaming, by a family member, and I made a promise to myself. "I will never let it all out like that; I will never put it onto others like that; I will never hurt other people with my pain like that. I remember it as if it were yesterday.
A 12 year old is not mature enough to make lifetime decisions, but I have, for the most part, honoured that one. At that moment I became an "Acting-in" Borderline instead of an "Acting-out" Borderline Personality.
My life has been chaotic, but in a mostly private way. I held down a very responsible job in the health care field for more than thirty years. I kept a roof over my head and helped others financially when I could.
But I have always been embarrassed about my 'reactivity' and ashamed of my paranoia, my distorted thinking and my out-sized feelings. That's why I put so much energy into maintaining as much secretiveness as I can manage around my thoughts and feelings. I think I was so confused and terrified at seeing a member of my family "acting out" that I did not want people thinking I was crazy too.
My rage has always been directed at myself. It is only a few times, when my self inflicted injuries required medical treatment that I gave myself away. Of course, I was hospitalized, twice, for depression and I guess I gave myself away in the psychological testing. So the diagnosis was made.
Then I went back to my job and my life. And the secrets. The more stressed, angry, depressed or panicky I become, the more I isolate myself. I even feel like an outsider in "Borderline Circles". It has been a very lonely, closeted, and painful existence but would it have been much better if I had not made that decision at the age of 12?
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