#61 Monkey Mind

If I have not seen a person for a while, I panic. Even if I am aware of the reason for their absence from my life and the likelihood that it is temporary, I still panic.

Part of me is well aware that the panic comes from the six year old stuck in survival mode, but my monkey mind (the chatterbox) tells me that I have done something to make them go away from me! "You have screwed up; you did something stupid; you said something offensive; you revealed too much of yourself!"

And now they have abandoned me! And it is my own fault!

At this point in my life, I can hear that the voice is that of the scared six year old, but I still cannot stop my monkey mind from running away with the overwhelming feelings. It offers all sorts of explanations, rationalizations, justifications. "Yes, it was only a matter of time before this happened; of course they have gone away; it makes perfect sense that they would leave you some day; today is that day!"

Then, one day, the person reappears in my life as if nothing had happened, making me wish that I had been able to resist listening to the crazy, frightened, paranoid, little person in my head!