#23 The Helpless Observer

During my countless meltdowns, I always have a sense of someone, or some part of me, watching the-goings-on.

But she wasn’t inside me (#15 Watching My Brain Work) but remaining at a safe distance somewhere outside. She is as baffled, as any bystander would be, at why I am doing the things I am doing. Throughout my life, whether I was banging my head, or I was doing something far more dangerous, she just watched.

She held onto the belief that I would be dead within hours if I was not allowed to do what I needed to do.

She did not intervene.

Now I don’t know how to feel about her. She stood by and let me take extreme risks. Was she really powerless to help? Did she just not care? Where and when did she learn this trick of stepping outside and just watching?

She is my witness.

These days, as I acquire the ability to feel my feelings without acting on them,
I think of her…the Helpless Observer and I thank her.