I push people away so that my craziness doesn’t bother them, but, then I want to do crazy things to pull them back.
Uppermost in my mind, for most of my life, is that I must avoid doing or saying anything irksome to other people. One part of that is the fear of getting anyone mad at me, and the other part is a constant worry about bothering others. This is a more subtle anxiety, that, if I allow people to inconvenience themselves on my behalf, eventually they will resent me for it! It all boils down to avoiding and pushing people away so they don’t get the chance to reject me.
They other side of the coin is the isolation box that I have constructed for myself from this reasoning. It gets more and more unhappy and lonely in the box so that I have to imagine extreme ways to get anyone to notice me. Sickness or self-injury would probably work, at least temporarily. Letting some of my crazy mixed-up feelings spill over gets attention. Crying over every little thing causes people to come over and look into the box.
Unfortunately, the next day, I am horrified at my desperate actions or words and I immediately return to the push-away scenario as the only way to live.
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