#31 Is it All in My Mind?

Is it all in my mind or all in my body?
Whenever I feel unexplained pain or sickness, I jump to the conclusion that it is the beginning of the end. I can’t stop worrying that I am deep into some catastrophic illness. It takes some time before I worry my way into my doctor’s office, but nine times out of ten, the thing goes away before I get there. Thank God for that because it means that I don‘t show off my hypochondria and embarrass myself too often.

It is a weird situation for someone who self-injures. When I burn myself, it is an ending. The worrying, the anxiety, the panic stops. I feel in control again and because the pain strips away the fear, I can tolerate it. In fact, it calms me. It actually makes me feel safe again.

But, I guess, the unexplained weakness, pain, and bruising turn out to be all in my mind; perhaps suppressed emotions, a childhood fear of dying. It frightens me to think that they are also all in my body, a different kind of remembering the past. Perhaps, a drawing attention to, or a re-enactment of, some past experience that is impacting my daily life.

Apparently, my body has a mind of its own. It has its own feelings and it holds its own memories. But I don’t know how to listen to it.