#46 These Feelings Are TOO LOUD!

At times my feelings just get louder and louder in my head. I don’t know if that is because I am not listening to them or what. I generally want them to go away so I try to ignore them.

They start small by telling me to be careful. I may be getting frustrated or anxious. The voice in my head tells me to keep it to myself. I t becomes more emphatic and warns me that showing my anger or panic in front of others will endanger my life!

Now I really am scared. Someone might seriously hurt me if I do or say the wrong thing? It has certainly happened before. I'm always doing and saying the wrong things. My mind floods with memories of the stupid, ignorant, childish, embarrassing, crazy things that I have perpetrated in the recent past. Oh NO! No wonder people don't like me!

The voice is getting mean now. She believes that a good-beating will keep us safe. How crazy is that? But I am powerless to stop it.
You're an idiot! Everything you say is STUPID! You're fat and ugly!
These people don't want you here! You are not good enough for them!
You need to disappear!

The screaming is making me crazy.
So I disappear! I go far away where I can’t hear this racket for a while. I suppose my mistake was feeling feelings that are not acceptable??? Nice girls don’t get angry. Strong girls don’t get scared. Good girls don’t cry.

I hear nothing. I feel nothing. I have floated out of range.