#47 Mad or Scared?

For several months, I have been increasingly anxious, but now the roller coaster is nearing it's breaking point.
At any time I can break down or blow up about something that is happening or, even, just something that I am thinking about.

Am I scared or mad? Does it matter? Some might say, it is enough to acknowledge the big feeling. But if they were inside where I am, it would be important to know what the hell is going on. I don't want it to impact other people, so I have to define it so I can develop a strategy to protect others.
But it is mute. Words are missing. Just this grinding in my stomach, difficulty breathing, and a pounding in my chest. Not to mention that my brain feels jumbled.
I am afraid to talk to anyone. How do I explain what is going on with me? If I open my mouth, what is likely to come out?

Something about
..."not being able to take it anymore"
..."no one wants to be around me anymore"
..."I need to hurt myself to get it to stop"
..."everyone is mad at me"
..."I am such an idiot"
So I dare not talk to anyone.

I wish I could know what it is that is making me feel so crazy. I understand now why I would like to injury myself just so that I can feel something that I can name!