Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
#20 Circular Thinking
Jane is rejecting me
I avoid Jane
Jane doesn’t see me
I don’t look at Jane
Jane won’t make an effort to know me
I’m not good enough to be Jane’s friend
I avoid Jane
It feels like Jane is rejecting me
I never make eye contact with Jane
Jane looks right past me
I obviously don’t belong here
Jane refuses to connect with me
I avoid Jane…
Today I realize that this kind of circular thinking
is typical of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Unfortunately, tomorrow I won’t see that
and it will just be the pain of rejection that I feel.
I avoid Jane
Jane doesn’t see me
I don’t look at Jane
Jane won’t make an effort to know me
I’m not good enough to be Jane’s friend
I avoid Jane
It feels like Jane is rejecting me
I never make eye contact with Jane
Jane looks right past me
I obviously don’t belong here
Jane refuses to connect with me
I avoid Jane…
Today I realize that this kind of circular thinking
is typical of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Unfortunately, tomorrow I won’t see that
and it will just be the pain of rejection that I feel.
Friday, June 27, 2008
#19 Two Memories
For the more unpleasant events of my life,
I seem to have two memories.
The most fragmented one
is the one from inside the experience
and it is mostly feelings.
The other one is incomplete as well,
but it is the one stored as still photographs
by the outside watcher……
the only light comes from the bathroom across the hall
the only sound comes from the kitchen below
the smell of whiskey and cigarettes enters my room
the mountain of a man
huge and bristly grey and greasy
stands over me
laughter floats up from below
apparently something is very funny down there
not so up here
in the corner of the bedroom there’s a hole in the floor
it ‘s the reason i can hear them having such a good time
i wish there were a stovepipe in it
as the farmer who built this place intended
it would provide warmth for me
and a connection to the people downstairs
there is none
my bedroom floats free
they are oblivious
my body floats free
i am oblivious.
I seem to have two memories.
The most fragmented one
is the one from inside the experience
and it is mostly feelings.
The other one is incomplete as well,
but it is the one stored as still photographs
by the outside watcher……
the only light comes from the bathroom across the hall
the only sound comes from the kitchen below
the smell of whiskey and cigarettes enters my room
the mountain of a man
huge and bristly grey and greasy
stands over me
laughter floats up from below
apparently something is very funny down there
not so up here
in the corner of the bedroom there’s a hole in the floor
it ‘s the reason i can hear them having such a good time
i wish there were a stovepipe in it
as the farmer who built this place intended
it would provide warmth for me
and a connection to the people downstairs
there is none
my bedroom floats free
they are oblivious
my body floats free
i am oblivious.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
#18 This Is My Truth
One of my recurring nightmares is that people do not like me and they are trying, in different ways, to tell me. I am constantly on the lookout for the signals because it is my truth that no one will ever like me! I work hard at being funny or nice and work equally hard at not appearing crazy or childish. But some days I can’t do both and the certain knowledge creeps back into my body that I am basically unlikeable.
I am afraid that people can see my anger and my sadness and that it makes them uncomfortable. But mostly, it is my anxiety which frustrates them, I am sure. I’m afraid to talk, terrified of saying something stupid. I prefer to go unnoticed. My extreme self-consciousness about my body is just one reason that I find it painful to be visible.
Hours, days or even weeks after being with others, I will remember something that I said or did and I am overwhelmed by shame. Telling myself that no one else remembers does not help.
It makes me withdraw from people, which feeds the vicious circle. But it seems like the right thing to do at the time because, in my imagination, I am doing them a favour - they don’t have to tolerate me or pretend to like me for a while.
It all sounds so crazy and embarrassing for a grown-up person but it has been my constant companion since I was a kid. I would be so much happier if I could only break this fear driven cycle.
I am afraid that people can see my anger and my sadness and that it makes them uncomfortable. But mostly, it is my anxiety which frustrates them, I am sure. I’m afraid to talk, terrified of saying something stupid. I prefer to go unnoticed. My extreme self-consciousness about my body is just one reason that I find it painful to be visible.
Hours, days or even weeks after being with others, I will remember something that I said or did and I am overwhelmed by shame. Telling myself that no one else remembers does not help.
It makes me withdraw from people, which feeds the vicious circle. But it seems like the right thing to do at the time because, in my imagination, I am doing them a favour - they don’t have to tolerate me or pretend to like me for a while.
It all sounds so crazy and embarrassing for a grown-up person but it has been my constant companion since I was a kid. I would be so much happier if I could only break this fear driven cycle.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
#17 My Rope Is Too Short!
Everyone has days when they reach their limit. They know what it feels like to get to the breaking point. When you are at the end of your rope, you have used up all your resources.
One way that I know BPD, is how quickly and how often I get to the end of my rope. Worries pile up in my head; stresses build up in my body, and then BOOM! Suddenly, it is just all too much. I cannot handle it. I am so angry or depressed or frightened that it seems as though my body can’t contain it one minute longer. I must do something!
(My personal choice has always been to injure myself because, among other reasons, I don’t want to hurt anyone else. My mother mentioned “the end of her rope” quite frequently when I was a child but she had no qualms about who might get hurt when she arrived there.)
So, I have to try so, so very hard to recognize the warning signs because, apparently, I was issued with a rope that is just too short to do the job.
One way that I know BPD, is how quickly and how often I get to the end of my rope. Worries pile up in my head; stresses build up in my body, and then BOOM! Suddenly, it is just all too much. I cannot handle it. I am so angry or depressed or frightened that it seems as though my body can’t contain it one minute longer. I must do something!
(My personal choice has always been to injure myself because, among other reasons, I don’t want to hurt anyone else. My mother mentioned “the end of her rope” quite frequently when I was a child but she had no qualms about who might get hurt when she arrived there.)
So, I have to try so, so very hard to recognize the warning signs because, apparently, I was issued with a rope that is just too short to do the job.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
#16 I'm a Failure!
Since I was a little kid,
I have fantasized that …
if only I can think of the right thing to do,
I can fix this situation,
I can get all of us out of this mess.
if only I can think of the right thing to say,
I can fix these people.
I can fix, my Mom, my Dad, my sister.
Why can’t I think of it!!!
It has left me feeling like a FAILURE all my life.
I can’t fix anything!
No matter how fast the squirrels in my brain run
or how loud the voices get,
I cannot make anything better!
I am, indeed, useless!
I have fantasized that …
if only I can think of the right thing to do,
I can fix this situation,
I can get all of us out of this mess.
if only I can think of the right thing to say,
I can fix these people.
I can fix, my Mom, my Dad, my sister.
Why can’t I think of it!!!
It has left me feeling like a FAILURE all my life.
I can’t fix anything!
No matter how fast the squirrels in my brain run
or how loud the voices get,
I cannot make anything better!
I am, indeed, useless!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
#15 Watching My Brain Work
I wonder if most people have the experience of watching their brain work. It is new to me.
Mostly my brain is on autopilot but, all too often, it is rolling downhill, gaining speed, losing control, headed for a large black hole.
Sometimes now, I catch myself, or some part of myself, watching my brain doing its job. I see it, or hear it, I’m not sure which, getting hurt by an informal remark or getting frustrated by the same-old-same-old or twisting a normal situation into something I should be scared about.
I guess, it means that my brain is engaged but the next day I feel it careening down the hill again.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
#13 I Got My Feelings Hurt Today!
It doesn't feel like I am getting better at this. I am getting better at keeping it to myself. My embarrassment keeps me from showing my hurt feelings these days and that is a good thing.
But I still feel invisible before certain people. I still feel judged and found not as good as other grown-ups. My thoughts, feelings and struggles are dismissed and I get upset about it. It seems that it is all my own fault! I am not trying hard enough! I never learned the basics! I have heard this and felt this, from others, and from inside myself, thousands of times.
I suppose my mother was the first one to dismiss my feelings and she was the first one to make me invisible, anonymous, insignificant!
Nothing new here!
I got my feelings hurt again today!
It still has the power to shame!
But I still feel invisible before certain people. I still feel judged and found not as good as other grown-ups. My thoughts, feelings and struggles are dismissed and I get upset about it. It seems that it is all my own fault! I am not trying hard enough! I never learned the basics! I have heard this and felt this, from others, and from inside myself, thousands of times.
I suppose my mother was the first one to dismiss my feelings and she was the first one to make me invisible, anonymous, insignificant!
Nothing new here!
I got my feelings hurt again today!
It still has the power to shame!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
#12 Which One is Me?
Why, when I feel so disconnected from myself, do I think only of hurting myself?
I had a warning, first thing this morning, that I labelled as a loss of confidence - actually a loss of self, I think now.
Gone now, is the OK Rylee who can get through the day being seen and heard much like other people.
Here now, is the Rylee that no one likes; the one who bothers other people; who makes a nuisance of herself; who gets underfoot.
Here now, is the Rylee who presumes too much; who takes up too much space; who wants to be noticed.
Here now, is my mother’s child; who gets people mad at her; who, herself, is probably very, very angry; who doesn’t deserve to be here at all.
Here now, is the Rylee who is sure that these are the things that everyone else has been thinking.
This then, is the ME who wants to hurt ME. Feeling all these things about myself is excruciating. I need to replace that with something I can deal with, like physical pain.
Self-injury can also make some of my hurting visible. It can start to make me visible again.
But my craving is not for any benefits such as these but for the pain itself and the blood, burns or bruises that will make me feel real again! The pain itself can be a friend who will not judge me, who will not hate me, who will not leave me until I choose!!!
I had a warning, first thing this morning, that I labelled as a loss of confidence - actually a loss of self, I think now.
Gone now, is the OK Rylee who can get through the day being seen and heard much like other people.
Here now, is the Rylee that no one likes; the one who bothers other people; who makes a nuisance of herself; who gets underfoot.
Here now, is the Rylee who presumes too much; who takes up too much space; who wants to be noticed.
Here now, is my mother’s child; who gets people mad at her; who, herself, is probably very, very angry; who doesn’t deserve to be here at all.
Here now, is the Rylee who is sure that these are the things that everyone else has been thinking.
This then, is the ME who wants to hurt ME. Feeling all these things about myself is excruciating. I need to replace that with something I can deal with, like physical pain.
Self-injury can also make some of my hurting visible. It can start to make me visible again.
But my craving is not for any benefits such as these but for the pain itself and the blood, burns or bruises that will make me feel real again! The pain itself can be a friend who will not judge me, who will not hate me, who will not leave me until I choose!!!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
#11 They Say I Am Too Sensitive
Do you think that you can tell, instantly, when someone is in a bad mood?
The minute that I see someone, I get a sense of their mood. They say that I am too sensitive.
(I believe they mean sensitive like a two year old!) I am often paralyzed into silence by that first impression. I will withdraw in fear, which, sometimes, puts the other person into a bad mood if they weren't already.
But if I ignore my concern and carry on - trying to start an interesting or entertaining conversation - so often the response is negative, thus confirming my earlier feeling.
I don't know if I am reading body language or facial expressions or if there is something more to it. But I do know that it would be better if I just turned around and went home, rather than suffer the fallout of another person's pissy mood.
The minute that I see someone, I get a sense of their mood. They say that I am too sensitive.
(I believe they mean sensitive like a two year old!) I am often paralyzed into silence by that first impression. I will withdraw in fear, which, sometimes, puts the other person into a bad mood if they weren't already.
But if I ignore my concern and carry on - trying to start an interesting or entertaining conversation - so often the response is negative, thus confirming my earlier feeling.
I don't know if I am reading body language or facial expressions or if there is something more to it. But I do know that it would be better if I just turned around and went home, rather than suffer the fallout of another person's pissy mood.
#10 I Don't So Much Live...
I don't so much live in the moment but I feel in the moment.
Much of the time, I am “living” somewhere other than where my body happens to be. I could be in the next room. I could be stuck in the past. I could be safely floating in outer space.
But my “feelings” live in the moment. Emotions flood my body, seemingly at random. They flow fiercely through me, triggered by ‘god only knows what.’
A little frustration can mushroom into rage; a hint of sadness becomes despair; nervousness erupts into panic mode. Most of the time, I don’t understand why and, later, I cannot explain what happened.
I may not be living in the moment, but my emotions are tuned in to everything that is going on around me. Suddenly I have to come back and deal with this catastrophe, with barely a clue as to what is the real cause of it.
Much of the time, I am “living” somewhere other than where my body happens to be. I could be in the next room. I could be stuck in the past. I could be safely floating in outer space.
But my “feelings” live in the moment. Emotions flood my body, seemingly at random. They flow fiercely through me, triggered by ‘god only knows what.’
A little frustration can mushroom into rage; a hint of sadness becomes despair; nervousness erupts into panic mode. Most of the time, I don’t understand why and, later, I cannot explain what happened.
I may not be living in the moment, but my emotions are tuned in to everything that is going on around me. Suddenly I have to come back and deal with this catastrophe, with barely a clue as to what is the real cause of it.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
#9 Childhood Memories
I was a shy kid,
socially awkward.
uncoordinated
and overweight.
easily frightened.
a worrier from birth.
disconnected,
withdrawn,
solitary, lonely.
Monday, June 2, 2008
#8 I'm a strong believer
my belief that
"I don't belong here"
is the strongest
thing about me
is it mostly made up of
a childhood sense
of being an outsider,
of never being good enough,
of not belonging anywhere?
NO!
those slippery, sleazy feelings
adapt to every situation
they gain new life
each and every day
I can tell you very specifically
why I deserve to be on the outside
I can tell you with examples to spare
why I'm not good enough to be here
and I can tell you endless reasons
why I will never really be part of this group
the feeling that
"I don't belong here"
is able to morph into any set of truths,
to fit any set of circumstances.
right here
right now
for ever and ever.
"I don't belong here"
is the strongest
thing about me
is it mostly made up of
a childhood sense
of being an outsider,
of never being good enough,
of not belonging anywhere?
NO!
those slippery, sleazy feelings
adapt to every situation
they gain new life
each and every day
I can tell you very specifically
why I deserve to be on the outside
I can tell you with examples to spare
why I'm not good enough to be here
and I can tell you endless reasons
why I will never really be part of this group
the feeling that
"I don't belong here"
is able to morph into any set of truths,
to fit any set of circumstances.
right here
right now
for ever and ever.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
#7 It's all up to me!
Within a space of an hour this morning, in three different ways, I faced up to my responsibilities in the world.
It began with a panicked reaction to an invasion of a place I was visiting. I was wracking my brain about what to do to keep the other people safe. Then I overheard the person, who is actually in charge, taking care of it.
When I calmed down, I went to see some people I barely know to tell them about an event I am involved with. They already knew about it from several other sources. My worry that, I alone, am able to get the word out, to make it a success, suddenly seemed greatly misplaced.
Finally, I heard Psalm 46 read: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
You’re kidding! It isn’t me, Rylee, who has to fix everything? Isn’t it my job to keep everyone safe? Isn’t it my responsibility to be in control of absolutely everything?
When did that happen? I missed the meeting! I didn’t get the memo!
If I worry constantly (24/7, for most of my life), bad things almost never happen. Ergo, my worrying is keeping bad things from happening!
I don't think I should give it up!
It began with a panicked reaction to an invasion of a place I was visiting. I was wracking my brain about what to do to keep the other people safe. Then I overheard the person, who is actually in charge, taking care of it.
When I calmed down, I went to see some people I barely know to tell them about an event I am involved with. They already knew about it from several other sources. My worry that, I alone, am able to get the word out, to make it a success, suddenly seemed greatly misplaced.
Finally, I heard Psalm 46 read: “Be still, and know that I am God.”
You’re kidding! It isn’t me, Rylee, who has to fix everything? Isn’t it my job to keep everyone safe? Isn’t it my responsibility to be in control of absolutely everything?
When did that happen? I missed the meeting! I didn’t get the memo!
If I worry constantly (24/7, for most of my life), bad things almost never happen. Ergo, my worrying is keeping bad things from happening!
I don't think I should give it up!
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