One of my recurring nightmares is that people do not like me and they are trying, in different ways, to tell me. I am constantly on the lookout for the signals because it is my truth that no one will ever like me! I work hard at being funny or nice and work equally hard at not appearing crazy or childish. But some days I can’t do both and the certain knowledge creeps back into my body that I am basically unlikeable.
I am afraid that people can see my anger and my sadness and that it makes them uncomfortable. But mostly, it is my anxiety which frustrates them, I am sure. I’m afraid to talk, terrified of saying something stupid. I prefer to go unnoticed. My extreme self-consciousness about my body is just one reason that I find it painful to be visible.
Hours, days or even weeks after being with others, I will remember something that I said or did and I am overwhelmed by shame. Telling myself that no one else remembers does not help.
It makes me withdraw from people, which feeds the vicious circle. But it seems like the right thing to do at the time because, in my imagination, I am doing them a favour - they don’t have to tolerate me or pretend to like me for a while.
It all sounds so crazy and embarrassing for a grown-up person but it has been my constant companion since I was a kid. I would be so much happier if I could only break this fear driven cycle.
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