#12 Which One is Me?

Why, when I feel so disconnected from myself, do I think only of hurting myself?
I had a warning, first thing this morning, that I labelled as a loss of confidence - actually a loss of self, I think now.

Gone now, is the OK Rylee who can get through the day being seen and heard much like other people.

Here now, is the Rylee that no one likes; the one who bothers other people; who makes a nuisance of herself; who gets underfoot.

Here now, is the Rylee who presumes too much; who takes up too much space; who wants to be noticed.

Here now, is my mother’s child; who gets people mad at her; who, herself, is probably very, very angry; who doesn’t deserve to be here at all.

Here now, is the Rylee who is sure that these are the things that everyone else has been thinking.

This then, is the ME who wants to hurt ME. Feeling all these things about myself is excruciating. I need to replace that with something I can deal with, like physical pain.

Self-injury can also make some of my hurting visible. It can start to make me visible again.

But my craving is not for any benefits such as these but for the pain itself and the blood, burns or bruises that will make me feel real again! The pain itself can be a friend who will not judge me, who will not hate me, who will not leave me until I choose!!!